DanLog the ramblings of Daniel Pettit

Just got back for Sacred a monthly gathering to deepen your understanding of prayer and worship and draw you near to God in an intimate setting. Well it was all that. I was ever so slightly nervous going in as I had no idea what this was all about. It was the polar opposite of Catalyst. It was simply and individual thing tonight. Now that I’ve been to both I now know that I needed to go to Catalyst first. That allowed God to force his way past my shield. With that out of the way, it was quite simple for me to allow God to fill me with his presence. For me it was mostly worship vs prayer. I had found myself singing to myself quite a bit today, that came in handy as I’m getting to know the songs and was already primed to worship.

They handed us each a piece of sack cloth. Nick spoke of how back in the day they must have really gotten more out of prayer as when was the last time any of us sat in a pile of ashes wearing sack-cloth or tore our clothing during prayer. He discussed different reasons or what the tearing of the cloth/clothing could represent. He had us pray to ourselves on what it meant to us and once we arrived at our personal reason we were to tear our cloth. I didn’t have to pray or think a second, in fact as he was discussing the “options” I think there were four. Once he reached mine I didn’t need to hear anything further. Mine was exposure. The tearing of my cloth was a “breaking” of my childhood armor. Opening up my heart and emotions. No one knows yet, why “Danny” put on that armor which I’m still wearing, though I am working on casting it aside. I only wish it was as easy as symbolically tearing it up. We continued praying to ourselves with the sound of tearing cloth poping up all around me as we began to worship again.

It was a wonderful experience to feel God rifling around in my soul. I don’t feel this connected often and never for such a long time and as deeply with the exception of Catalyst. I didn’t end up on the floor as I wasn’t praying much, but the worship did get the water works flowing pretty good and at times brought me to the brink of some sobbing. But it turned out to be just be a couple sputters like a motorbike that just can’t turn over.

I will definitely be back next month, unfortunately Nick Taylor the Pastor of Soul Care told us that he will be leaving Rock Harbor this summer and that Sacred will be ending as well. At least I’ll get to go two more times.

[ Dreams that involve packing up coming or going from/to a trip are a recurring theme for me. This one in the beginning was par for the course but then takes an unusual left turn ]

It is morning in a motel/hotel room I’m trying to get dressed and all packed up as we are checking out today. I don’t have an exact memory of who I was with but the feeling was close family, Like Lauren and her parents and maybe some of my family. Every one else is all packed and ready. Why I am not ready whether I was waiting for the bathroom or for some other reason, I do not know. Many people are in the room now and I haven’t even showered. I’m running around emptying drawers and am getting frustrated as I can’t find one shirt to wear. Where are my shirts, I didn’t pack them - did someone else pack them up and take them. I run across one shirt in a box. It is a brand new black dress shirt, possibly a tuxedo shirt. I figure I guess I can wear that if I have to.

Then I see my mother’s friend Jean Johnson, she gives me a greeting hug. She is there with her husband but not the man I knew as her “real” husband so many years ago. Also in the room now is my childhood friend Ryan. I don’t speak to him as he is way on the other side of the room. I hear Jean talking to someone about the big announcement Ryan is going to make. The people that already know what Ryan is going to say are trying to get everyone together so that he will have a captive audience. I hear someone quietly say to someone that what Ryan is going to say is that he has become a Christian. I think wow good for him, but then have a bit of a conflict. Thinking about it I figure it would be a good idea for me to make a general announcement as well, but that would be kind of crappy to upstage Ryan right now and it would probably be bad form to just pile on to his announcement as well.

Suddenly I’m outside there is a large construction site. The site is an excavation which they are installing storm or sewer drains I guess, the huge concrete pipes you can stand up in. They are using an unusual technique for placing the pipe sections. The new pipe sections are along the ridge of the excavation. They maneuver the next section of the pipe and then give it a push. It rolls down the embankment to the bottom, lining up with the already installed sections. They then do some fine tuning and securing of the new section and get ready to do the next.

….I woke up..

The worship at both services today was quite good. They played quite a few songs that were in Oden’s regular play-list, so I have most of the lyrics buried in my head somewhere. They played the songs all wrong of course, as nothing sounds better than Oden and Rose Fong. Unfortunately that ship has sailed and sunk. Years ago I would have killed for a professional recording of Oden & Rose, now that I’m a Christian I would rape, murder and pillage for one - oh wait I shouldn’t say or think that - um lets just say I’d really really like one.

Before I became a Christian there were a few songs that penetrated my armor and touched my soul. I can’t rattle off a specific list of titles but they were by Sinead O’Conner, Julia Fordham, Evanescence and Rose Fong. These songs and it’s not all of the songs by these performers just a handful are so enveloping and overwhelmingly beautiful in sound (not lyrics at least I don’t think so. I’ll have to actually look at the actual words sometime) that they can bring me to tears and make me do a mental version of “The Sound of Music” meadow scene.

Some of those songs can also bring my blood to a boil at the same time. I can relate to the Slam dancers at that moment. Evenescence is especially guilty of this reaction. If I’m driving I can’t play it loud enough or drive fast enough. I resist the urge to make my ears bleed or to launch my 5000 pound truck up to the governor limit, as neither choice is good for my health. While I’ve never contemplated suicide, I have pondered it and my preferred method would be to go out driving a Ferrari or Lamborghini at say 200MPH into a concrete wall with Evanescence making my ears bleed. Maybe I’ve just seen Vanishing Point one too many times. Now let me make it clear that I have zero suicidal thoughts, so don’t worry about me.

So how did I get from the most overwhelmingly beautiful experience, with ones clothes on, to suicide? I guess it’s just a futile attempt to make that “point of no return” sensation last forever. But there is no reason to go out on a high it’s a false high anyway. That “high” is nothing compared to what the Father has in store for us.

Actually had an aisle seat at the 9AM today, so I had some room to stretch out some. Pastor Mike gave an analogy of a frozen flag pole and having multiple sex partners, which I think is right on the mark. He then was talking about how he struggles with “bad influences” on the Internet and what happened that week. He has some accountability software on his computer, basically a NannyGuard type program to keep him out of the seedier sections of the next, either accidentally or purposefully. He didn’t elaborate and it wasn’t necessary. Anyway he was on Entertainment Weekly and some regular feature slide-show of say the 15 greatest film villains, or 20 best car chases, something he finds entertaining. Well this week they had something like the 15 sexiest thrillers and he didn’t think twice about clicking on it, but then thought how is this edifying and that how his standards have fallen over the years. Well I had a similar experience this week as well. I can’t remember what site I was on. It might just have been Yahoo’s main page, anyway they had a photo on the left of Megan Fox as she was selected sexiest woman of the year or something. I was thinking well she is certainly named well as she is definitely a fox. Six months ago I would have clicked on that photo to see the rest, but now I thought why? Two reasons gratification or artistic pursuit. Well I quickly shot down artistic pursuit as I knew damn well I wasn’t going to pick up any photographic insight, so that left gratification which I passed on. I didn’t have the proper word on my tongue at the time but I ended up choosing edification over gratification. I’m pretty sure that non-Christians really wouldn’t understand that and just find it absurd.

The 11AM service was rather empty this morning my third of the room has only about half if that full. I had 12 or so seats in front of me that were empty and I was on the end of the row as usual. So I had an open field so to speak in front of me. Come time for prayer the worship was so good I kept waiting. Then I noticed that there was no one on my side of the room to give prayer. There had always been at least two people on this side at all times. So I kept waiting for someone to come by. I was really into the worship so it wasn’t a struggle or anything, but time was becoming an issue. I finally turned around and walked to the back. I did see one person from the prayer team and she was with someone. I continued along the back the only other person with a tag was a big young black man Joseph who I was pretty sure was an usher as I’ve seen him every week handing out bibles. Anyway I asked him if he was on the prayer team. He said “no, I’m an usher, do you need prayer? I can do that.” So I go with him to the far side of the room and up to the front side where there’s a cross. While he may not be as experienced as the Prayer volunteers he gave some heartfelt prayer, he did fumble a couple times before getting it correct with the word reconciliation which we both got a chuckle out of. Speaking of heartfelt prayer he did something no one else has, once into his prayer with his hand on my back he put his other hand on my heart. I’m glad he was praying for me cause he could have crushed me like an egg. His prayer while somewhat generic was heartfelt and edifying. I guess I don’t have my question about male verses female prayer answered just yet. The women so far have been say much clearer in relaying a word or message but I won’t be specifically shunning men.

Worship was really good at both services today, I’ll cover that on the next post.

For many months I haven’t had many dreams that I remembered upon awaking and the few that I have, I remember so little there was no point in recording them. Last night’s dream wasn’t much better in the fact that even as dreams go this one hasn’t a real followable story.

The first thing that I remember, though I know there was more before this part, was that it was night time early, late I don’t know. I was “commuting” home. From where I have no idea, but I had a feeling that I had traversed this particular area previously. Earlier in the dream actually but the details have faded other than I think I was on foot earlier. This time I was on some kind of recumbent type vehicle, possibly an electric recumbent bicycle or tricycle. I was moving silently at about 15 MPH. The landscape was a large flat area, I could see about the area of the Los Alamitos weapons field and there was a feeling that it was the Huntington Beach area just West of Newport. I think I was headed to my childhood house. There were no structures or street lamps, but the field was fairly well lit in a Sodium lamp type orange glow. I don’t know what kind of path I was on but the path(s) were laid out in a grid pattern. I could see other “travelers” off in the distance traveling at right angles to myself. I began to overtake two young women and for a second or two I got excited as I had a feeling that they were Brittney and Monica from my church [whom I’ve been hoping to see again] but it wasn’t them.

Then the dream changes. It is early morning, the landscape coloring is less orange but the sun isn’t up yet. I am now in the desert somewhere in the middle of nowhere. It is some very large flat basin in California, maybe Nevada? I have a slightly elevated overview of the basin and there is a lot of activity. There is a temporary military camp being set up down there. Then I am in the camp with a large group of men. Military aircraft are flying overhead and landing close by at a steady pace. This whole facility is getting ready to setup and observe a nuclear detonation by President G W Bush. This is going to be his one opportunity to unleash a nuke before he leaves office. The detonation is supposed to solve some problem (atmospheric virus, global warming some other environmental concern?). I didn’t know specifically but it wasn’t a military test or have anything to do with any saber rattling. There wasn’t any sense of people being against the detonation other than there was no guarantee that the bomb would do whatever it was supposed to do.

As I was standing in the group, rifle fire was heard. We could then see one individual running between buildings a few hundred yards away. He was shooting at MPs and they began to return fire. We were all pretty calm about this even though the man running didn’t seem to have much regard for who or what he was firing at. We were in a very exposed position but it felt as if we were completely safe, as if the gun fire was part of some demonstration. [I think this part came from a Simpson’s episode I watched last night, when the Simpson’s go to a Ghost Town and see a mock shootout]. Anyway as the bullets start flying over our heads I at least start to rethink the wisdom of just standing out in the open.

Then a jet fighter made a slow low turn over our heads and as the roar of the engines faded we could then hear bagpipes off in the distance. All our attention was then directed toward the West where the runways were. Marching toward us was the British military contingent. [I’m sure my mind pulled this little scene out of the movie “The Devils Brigade”] The group quickly lost interest and began to talk among themselves.

A black man was speaking to me, I had the feeling that I knew him but could not for the life of me place him. He just kept on talking and was puzzled by my lack of response as he was sure that I knew who he was. I said something that didn’t really go with what he was saying. The man then said to me okay whatever I guess you can’t hear now. The man seemed to just write off my unresponsiveness as for some reason I just couldn’t hear very well today. The man was thin medium build, medium length relaxed wavy hair that was all greased up in Jheri Curls, he was wearing a fitted military type field jacket in an olive shade but it had no military insignia on it.

Then I realized it was my friend Roger. Suddenly I was on the front deck of my mother’s house. Roger and a few other people were down below in the street. There was a black woman among others unloading a vehicle and going into the house next-door. Roger yelled up to me something about me wearing his underwear. I said back to him, well I did buy it when I was with you so are you taking inspirational credit for me buying it. I thought to myself that this was odd as I purchased them several years ago and how did he know what underwear I had on? There was some banter between Roger, the woman and I
….and I woke up…

I got two doses of Video Mike today which was a bit of a drag. The worship at 11 just didn’t do much for me today the 9 was much better. I ran into Stephanie again today after the 9AM and made sure that I had thanked her the week before, which she said she I did profusely - okay mark that off the to do list. At the 11 I was talking a bit to the man next to me Brian he works for a rehab home. I had a feeling he might have been a resident at some point. He seemed Jonesing for something this morning but fortunately I believe it was for Jesus. I received prayer from a man today. He covered the bases but nothing really hit home. I’m thinking I prefer women or was it just this individual. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

Went to the 9AM service, being that I knew I was going to the smaller 11AM as well, my seat selection didn’t really matter. I did look around awhile to see if I could spot Stephanie, Brittney or Monica without any luck. Pastor Mike was in classic self effacing form on top of his usual humor. I was pretty much at ease during the service and worship. A few of the songs I knew pretty good and was pretty committed to them, not 100% like at the Catalyst but a solid 85% I’d say.

After the service I milled around a while, as I have plenty of time before the 11AM across the street in the Lab, looking for a familiar face. Well I did run into one, she actually saw me, it was Stephanie. She had her daughter and husband in-tow and was glad to see me. I told her I’d been last week as well but as you know its kind of hard to “run” into people here. As I write this I can’t recall if I thanked her for that first day and to let her know that without her I wouldn’t have come the next week, which in turn means I would have missed out on the Catalyst. So that is on my to do list for next time. Oh yes, guess what Stephanie’s little girls name is? Lauren.

I head over to the 11AM. I didn’t really connect with the worship as much this service. All the songs were new and not a really catchy one in the bunch. We also had a different worship leader this time. I did get prayer which was good. Afterward I looked around for Catherine, I didn’t see her. I checked out the rest of the building as I remember her saying something last week about having to pick up her teenager(s). Anyway no luck. I went back to the “Lab” to ask one of the members of her clan if she was here today. I asked one woman if she knew her as I thought she was one of her big group of friends and family. Going up to this total stranger was the extent of my leaving my shell for the day, not much but still something. At first she wasn’t sure but then I said she was on the prayer team and that solidified it. She said she wasn’t as she was in Mexico with her daughter. It seems that Stephanie’s husband is one of the Elders at Rock Harbor. I thanked the woman for her time and was on my way.

Well after last night I’ve been flying pretty high. The bottom line is any doubts I’ve had about God being real are gone now.

So Rock Harbor had its monthly Intercessory Prayer gathering tonight. Catherine the prayer team member that prayed for me Sunday suggested I go. She’d never been herself but had heard good things about it. I’d already read about it and thought if it was the best place as it was meant for Prayer for the church itself not individual. She thought it would be okay as she was sure there must be many gifted people there that would serve my needs. I told her I’d think about it. Well I did think about it and prayed about it. Well still not sure but I figured I need to push myself so I figured I go. Come Tuesday night I was having doubts as to if it really was appropriate, after all I wasn’t prepared to start praying for the church I’m too wet behind the ears as well as in desperate need to be on the receiving end. I thought well I’ll email the contact person and see if it’s an appropriate function for me. I didn’t get to it this morning, then I got to doing other things and didn’t think about it until around 4pm. Well that was just too late now. Okay I said Daniel just go and check it out, you can always leave.

I get there about 6:55pm, starts at 7. The band is warming up a bit and there is about 12 people in “the centre” (the main sanctuary) a twinge of self doubt (about am I in the correct building?) and terror set in (is that all the people, I was expecting at least a hundred). Having some time to kill I wandered around a bit, also double checked that I was in the correct place (no of course I couldn’t ask anyone) yes I was. Gut check - am a man or a mouse. By the grace of God I’m a man. I go in and sit down, center section, third row on the end directly behind a couple. I start to read Proverbs. 2:16-19 stands out like a sore-thumb.
Shortly after the start the session, a man passes me and sits several seats down from me. No one is behind me there are about five people in the entire room to my left. The total in the room about 40.

We start worship with Amazing Grace. Hey not only do I know the tune I almost know the lyrics. So in my quiet way I join in. The next song I’ve heard before so I can kind of go along. The next one or two were completely new, so the voracity of my singing was lets say not voracious. Then there was one that I did now pretty well and I was able to sing along with some element of gusto. There was probably another song or two then the leader started to explain the game plan and started the group off with a prayer.

We might have done another group prayer then the leader dropped a bomb on me. “Okay now lets break off into groups of three” he said. The number three reverberating in my mind. I survey my immediate area, lets see 3 there 6 there okay those over there should group up, I look behind me two rows and two college girls are sitting together but otherwise alone. I found my group. Okay so I leave my chair and go over to them. I sit down mildly freaked out. Then the leader whips out a tactical nuke targeting my head. He says, “Okay we are going to pray for three different things, one from each group will pray aloud simultaneously for 30 seconds, then the second member of the group will and then the third. Did I pass-out, run screaming into the night? No, I stood my ground er “sat my chair” if you will. Thankfully I got to go third. Well my partners Brittney and Monica turn out to be a couple of prayer warriors. I am obviously not a prayer warrior. I don’t know if they’ve even had time to put diapers on this baby Christian, but I manage twenty seconds ( I drew a few blanks) of my first public intercessory prayer. Even got a few acknowledgments from Monica, she seems to have a gift for “seconding the motion”. Okay I lived through that, oh no now we do it one more time in reverse order. I had a very rough start but got my footings by the end. 30 seconds was an eternity that I could manage. I can’t even remember what my topics were now. Okay that is over, I guess I’m stronger now since it didn’t kill me.

We then did a prayer sandwich. As a group (entire) we did a worship song, then prayed for the married members of the church, another song, prayed for the single members, then another song. Then the leader had all the employed people in attendance come forward and had the college students pray for them.

Then the leader told us to break off into small groups. Life groups together, Uganda ministry etc, well I didn’t have any group and nor did Monica or Brittney so the three of us were back to together as the groupless group. We were supposed to pray for some issue or concern of the group for five minutes. I said pray for me not being so freaked out. They said are you freaked out? I said yes a little. Then I quickly explained I was a very new Christian and the catalyst that brought me to the Lord. So I guess they got their marching orders and asked if they could pray for me. Of course I agreed. They ask if they could lay a hand on my shoulder which I agreed so I had girl on each side. Brittney took over from there for over five minutes continuing over the leaders next announcement without missing a beat with Monica regularly affirming her words, praying for my relationship with the Lord, my marriage and Lauren’s walk. Toward the end when she was praying for Lauren she said something about Dancing for the Lord or rejoicing in dance, that brought some tears to my eyes.

I only wish I wasn’t so “deaf”, so that I could have heard and felt the full impact of that prayer. Nevertheless if you crank the volume up high enough even a stone deaf person can hear. Well God’s amp must go to eleven, as I was getting a powerful broadcast through Brittney and Monica. I can’t really articulate (no surprise there) the4 experience - chills running up and down my spine, intermixed with just a warm glowing feeling of love, acceptance and peace and yes I think a smidge of joy. What ever it was this is why I was led here tonight to meet these two young warriors. We were all a bit teary eyed I thanked them.

The leader then had us stand and pray toward the the doors of the church for the community and for the upcoming services. The worship band started up and I was still facing the door for a while and then realized everyone was facing forward again. I don’t recall what or whom we were praying for at that point I was off in my own world at some point Brittney laid her hand on my shoulder again, I do remember at that point I was on a role praying for the church. They then played a song I knew pretty well and was actually singing at a normal level and had my arms out, I was briefly freed of my selfconciousness and was just simply worshiping the Lord. I pray that some day that will be the norm instead of the exception.

The leader then asked for those individuals that needed prayer to come to the front and for the others to stand or sit and pray to themselves for a while. I didn’t go up I was still standing just taking in what I had just experienced. I then made eye contact with Brittney, thinking that she was thinking I should go forward, I said I think I’ve had all I can handle for the night. I sat down and prayed aloud to myself. I ended up on my knees by the end with a feeling of great acceptance. They then asked us to stand to end our session with how we started singing Amazing Grace. I stood but was a bit weakneed and had to steady myself a bit on the chair in front. I had no trouble belting out the last song, I only wish I could really sing.

Afterwards I thanked the girls again, they asked about my wife and I gave them some more details. They praised and encouraged me. I told them how I came about coming tonight told them that they were the reason I was called here tonight and that they were a blessing- a prayer answered. My saying that seemed to really bless them. It was time to leave and they asked if they could pray together one more time. This time Monica took the lead. As they say all good things come to an end and I was spent. Simply amazing. One could get addicted to this blanket of love. I can see how some Christians can get themselves in trouble when they confuse agape with “regular” love.

So I give Rock Harbor a second chance after speaking with and receiving prayer from Stephanie last Sunday. I go to the 9AM service. I’m a bit earlier than last week, so I have a broader selection of seats but I don’t really see anything great. I scan the room for Stephanie with no luck.

I spot a couple on an aisle so I sit next to them leaving a buffer as the rest of the row is empty at this point. I barely make it past the two of them without falling down. The rows are very close together and the style of the chair legs makes them not only hard to see but they kind of flair out and seem to attack your feet. Anyway I sit down and think to myself whether I want to have to “crawl” back over them if I feel moved to get prayer. The band does a worship song or two and then they have everyone move toward the center, filling in any open seats. I’m now six or eight seats in so I’m certain I’m not going to be leaving my seat. While you might look at that as sad it was better for me as I didn’t have to struggle with do I or don’t I, it was simply a matter of fact so I could concentrate on the worship.

Pastor Mike begins going over the Song of Solomon. He has a natural humility and sense of humor, I really like him. During the final worship I’m feeling more comfortable and am starting to pick up on some of the choruses at least so I have more of a feeling of participation. To my disappointment they didn’t do the group prayer this time, I guess it’s not a regular feature. Probably something specific to the worship leader of the day. So the service ends with me feeling somewhat unfulfilled, I didn’t connect with anyone around me. I wander around a bit looking for Stephanie with no luck and head to my truck.

Because their 11AM service is completely overcapacity and they were expecting even larger crowds because they are going over the Song of Solomon they had announced these two weeks that a special service would be starting in their main office building across the street. The were mainly hoping that some of the veteran members of the church would sacrifice their seat to someone new and go across the street. When I first heard this announcement I thought that that is more of what I had in mind a “smaller” experience, but I really like the fact that the 9AM doesn’t impact my schedule like an 11AM would.

I get to my truck still feeling “unfed” I sit there a minute or two pondering going to the smaller 11AM service. Oh why not I say to myself, so yes I march back to attend my second service for the day. I wander the halls awhile looking around, ( I had time to kill ). They open the Lab (the room that the service would take place in). Okay I’ve got my pick of seats now. I get a chair on the end of a row along the side wall, so I’m completely unencumbered to get prayer if I so desire. I was in the 4th row behind a group that has saved most of the seats in front of me. Turns out that this was a groups of families/friends that had been going to Rock Harbor from the beginning, the pastor noted that there were several founding clans in attendance.

We did a couple worship songs, which I was feeling a little more comfortable at least trying to repeat the words. They then broadcast a replay of the 9AM service. Thankfully the humor of pastor Mike kept this “rerun” from being boring even-though I’d just heard it an hour ago.

Worship starts again and the time for receiving prayer. Again I’m a tiny bit more comfortable with the worship and I’m actually starting to learn some of the songs. After a song or two I go get prayer from one of the Prayer team members. She turned out to be from the family clan in front of me. I give her the five second cliff notes of what I need prayer for and she goes at it. I’m comforted by it and had some things sort of confirmed. I go back to my seat.

The service ends, again I really didn’t’ connect with anyone near me, but receiving prayer is what I had missed. There was a once a month lunch for new members that day, but after two services I was pretty much done, so I was comfortable in going home without any anxiety struggles as I was simply done for the day. As I was leaving the woman that had prayer for me Catherine, got my attention and wanted to talk some more. I filled in more of my back-story to her, she commented on how there seems to be a concerted attack on marriages at Rock Harbor right now. She said she was going to continue to pray for me. She then told me that I should think about going to the Catalyst prayer meeting this Wednesday night. She had never actually been there but had heard good things about it. I’d read about that meeting but it didn’t seem appropriate for my situation as it was a meeting to pray for the church as a whole. She acknowledged that but said that she was sure that with all the gifted people there someone would be able to help me. I told her I’d think about it and thanked her and went home.

I’d been praying for someone to give me a word or some confirmation as to last Wednesday but Catherine only grazed the surface. I’d been contemplating paying a visit to a former therapist of Lauren’s for some time now as she had also done some couples counseling with us a few years ago. She was really on my mind the last week and I had been praying as to should I go see her. Now I was sure that I should as she was the next logical step to make. She is especially gifted in prayer, so if anyone can give me a clue or direction she should be able to.