DanLog the ramblings of Daniel Pettit

So I went to the 9am service at Rock Harbor this morning, I was surprisingly calm heading over there. Upon arrival it became clear that isn’t one of those little churches I’ve grown accustomed to with Lauren and was looking for. I guess that is what happens when you assume. I remember first seeing the Rock Harbor trailer some years ago, it might be close to ten now. With that little nugget of info I filed Rock Harbor away in my mind under the heading “small new church”. Well unlike all of Lauren’s churches this one grew and grew and grew.

The service was at capacity, I’d wildly guess 600ish. As the worship started and my usual fish out of water feeling grew (which is especially the case if I don’t know the songs) I was thinking okay this is not the environment I was looking for. I already started to ponder my move for next Sunday, drive all the way over to Robinwood, try out Oden Fong’s little church (best worship around but I think I’ll pass on a Pastor that fell that far) or look for something else. Once the sermon began I felt much more comfortable, Pastor Mike was speaking on doubt and that sure hit home.

Then the time for receiving prayer came, my self-conscious shield when up. While I wanted to the new surroundings and very crowded conditions constricted my will. (note to self sit closer to an isle) The couple next to got up so that gave me an opportunity but there looked like a crowd waiting, so I waited. We of course the couple came back and I was trapped again. Shortly after the worship leader asked those that are in need of prayer (still or didn’t get any I don’t remember exactly what he said) to stand where they were. I managed the mustard to stand. He then began to lead the congregation in prayer and asked those seated next to or near those standing to lay a hand on the others shoulder or back. The woman that was next to me stood up shortly after I did, but she laid her hand on my shoulder as did someone behind me I think it was a man but really don’t know. So the prayer came to me.

After the service ended the woman next to me introduced herself and said she had a feeling during the entire service of my pain and need. She asked if I needed or maybe it was wanted prayer, whatever she said I agreed. She then clarified my name, Danny right? I said “well Daniel”. She proceeded to pray over me again calling me Danny. She kind of covered the bases but then touched on my armour/walls which spoke to me. As I thought about it later those walls inside were created by Danny ( I wonder what Anne will think of that). After that we talked about what is going on in my life. So now I’ve been on the receiving end of what Lauren does on a regular basis, however she usually has a specific word for the person. This was undoubtedly a prayer answered as I had been praying for someone to approach me today.

She encouraged me get connected with the church, she then spotted Pastor Pete whom she is especially fond of as well as the head teaching Pastor Mike. So I was off in tow with Stephanie to track down Pete who had slipped out into the corridor leading to the children’s entrance.

We spoke briefly about my situation and he encouraged me as well to “get connected”. The two of them then prayed for me and my marriage. While I wasn’t looking for a huge church I did get feed well, so I’m going to give them a try for now. I also didn’t miss the old collection plate going around, which always had too much priority at The Sanctuary.

Just had an earthquake in Newport, kind of felt like the Jolly Green Giant leaned against the house. It went almost long enough for me to think about getting someplace safe. Nothing was askew or fell.

I finally have started to use my Perfect Pushup set I bought over the holidays. I won’t be doing the chair version anytime soon but did almost manage to do the 60 regulation pushups today. The last couple I had to go to the knees. Hopefully it was because I compressed the three workouts to a two hour time span. We’ll see if I’m that much of a light weight on my next session. So far I like these things. Definitely much much easier on the wrists than plain pushups.

That is back on the exercise wagon. Did my 30 minute routine with Jillian tonight after an 18 months hiatus after an injury (no it didn’t take that long to heal, but you know how habits are hard to break or startup again). My how time flies. I would have bet money that I had hurt myself the last Fall not the previous. No wonder I hardly ever think about my bum footWell I managed to get through the whole session without vomiting. Not that I ever did before, but I felt like I was going down that road when I first started. I dropped 12 lbs in about 8 weeks back in 2006 150 to 138. I maintained a pretty steady weight in the 142 to 148 range for most of the year. I finally peaked at 154 on Nov 28, 2007, by Feb 1 2008 I had dropped to 132. No exercise or special diet for that one and I wouldn’t recommend the process to anyone. I think I’ve stabilized now but I did hit a new low of 130 today.

Now that I have Lingo VOIP service for the house line I needed to get a new cordless phone system so I don’t have to run cables all over the house or try to tap into the house wiring. I purchased a single unit of these Philips DECT 6.0 phones for my mom at Christmas and she seems to be happy with it and I have liked it as well. So I picked up a set of three on clearance at Fry’s. Amazon has a two phone set.

When I read Psalm 10 today I immediately thought of GW and Islamic terrorists.

New American Standard from Bible Gateway
Psalm 10
A Prayer for the Overthrow of the Wicked.
1 Why do You stand afar off, O LORD?
Why do You hide Yourself in times of trouble?
2 In pride the wicked hotly pursue the afflicted;
Let them be caught in the plots which they have devised.
3 For the wicked boasts of his heart’s desire,
And the greedy man curses and spurns the LORD.
4 The wicked, in the haughtiness of his countenance, does not seek Him
All his thoughts are, “There is no God.”
5 His ways prosper at all times;
Your judgments are on high, out of his sight;
As for all his adversaries, he snorts at them.
6 He says to himself, “I will not be moved;
Throughout all generations I will not be in adversity.”
7 His mouth is full of curses and deceit and oppression;
Under his tongue is mischief and wickedness.
8 He sits in the lurking places of the villages;
In the hiding places he kills the innocent;
His eyes stealthily watch for the unfortunate.
9 He lurks in a hiding place as a lion in his lair;
He lurks to catch the afflicted;
He catches the afflicted when he draws him into his net.
10 He crouches, he bows down,
And the unfortunate fall by his mighty ones.
11 He says to himself, “God has forgotten;
He has hidden His face; He will never see it.”
12 Arise, O LORD; O God, lift up Your hand
Do not forget the afflicted.
13 Why has the wicked spurned God?
He has said to himself, “You will not require it.”
14 You have seen it, for You have beheld mischief and vexation to take it into Your hand
The unfortunate commits himself to You;
You have been the helper of the orphan.
15 Break the arm of the wicked and the evildoer,
Seek out his wickedness until You find none.
16 The LORD is King forever and ever;
Nations have perished from His land.
17 O LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble;
You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear
18 To vindicate the orphan and the oppressed,
So that man who is of the earth will no longer cause terror.

My prayers tonight took a turn from the usual, actually I’ve been less emotional the past few days while saying my prayers. Tonight I mainly felt moved to pray for Myself, Lauren and our marriage. I had an outpouring of helplessness and despair/weakness? I actually sobbed a bit. It didn’t necessarily feel sad more of a release. I think I truly let some barrier down or God got through and I let some of my sorrow up to the Lord. I really don’t know what to make of it, but it seems like a step in the right direction.

So I walked over to the service. My anxiety level was somewhat mild though I felt quite alone. I got a seat immediately above the main walkway on the Eastern section. It was a bit of a Seinfeld moment in my mind as I walked up to sit down the place was filling up pretty good but there was still a lot of open seats. I figured a buffer was appropriate at this point. I left an open seat between myself and another couple.

The guy in the next group came to the same conclusion as I did, so I was painfully alone in the center of three seats. The painfulness was internal, I wasn’t selfconcious about being seen there alone. It was an excellent seat to take in all the people going back and forth which in itself was a mixed bag of sorrow and shame. Sorrow from the camaraderie, the happy couples and the couples with babies, shame from my eye being drawn to the lovely young ladies.

The worship started and my anxiety grew. I really feel like a fish out of water when people are clapping along and singing to music and it doesn’t necessarily have to be worship. It would have been nice if I’d known the songs but I didn’t. Not that I’d be singing along but it makes me feel more connected emotionally somehow if the music is familiar. The bass seems to add to the tension as it can feel just like how my heart is when I’m anxious. There was a young couple behind be and she had a very nice voice, maybe someday I’ll be able to actually make a compliment like that outloud. Anyway there wasn’t too many songs so I didn’t get any good or bad feelings from the sweet voice from behind.

They then started a percussion heavy interpretive dance routine. It when on quite a while and was quite entertaining to watch but I was completely clueless about how this was about Easter. Finally at the end even my thickheadedness could figure out the symbolism, I wonder how many others were in the same boat.

Pastor Mike of Rock Harbor came out and spoke for awhile. He’s a jovial chap. I think I’ll feel comfortable at his regular services. He read a sort of testimony of Rudy a member of his congregation who lost his hearing, it was rather touching and Rudy was on stage signing.

At the end Pastor Mike invited every one to close there eyes and asked people who felt so inclined to pry along with him in prayer of accepting Jesus, not exactly the sinners prayer but along those lines. I’ve had many opportunities in the past to do this and have silently repeated those words in my head but never silently spoke them if you get my meaning. He then asked those of us that had spoken those words for the first time to raise our hand high. My over-thinking of the situation considered well I have said the sinners prayer before, but not this particular prayer and certainly not in a public setting so I actually did raise my hand. He then asked those with our hands raised to come down and receive prayer as well as anyone else you needed prayer. They started up with the worship music. Okay gut check time and I come up wanting. I was pretty much in the center of a section. I could either start climb over the railing which was really too high to do or start working through a bunch of people doing that most horrible thing of drawing attention to myself. So I stay put and struggle with my dilemma. Okay I can always go later. Then it seemed that too many people had gotten up so I didn’t want to end up in a crowd waiting. I waited too long? So I stay. Then the worship leader says a couple things and reminds people about getting prayer and that they will be playing a few more songs (ie. you folks can leave now) A few people leave near me and I figure now is the time. As I start to leave my space the young woman behind be touches my shoulder and congratulates me on my decision (hey she was supposed to have her eyes closed!). I proceed to work my way past the people next to me and down to the aisle. By that time there was no waiting line for prayer.

Ian a young man from Rock Harbor took me aside and prayed for me and my marriage per my request. It was nice and safe not uncomfortable in any way, mildly touching but he didn’t bring on fountain of waterworks which I’m sure is just a matter of time. He prayed for a reasonable amount of time, not the marathon that I got one day from Marty at the Sanctuary. i could have used some more but it was very loud there next to the stage and I probably would have become a blubbering idiot if he’d had more time and or a more intimate setting.

So long story short I’ve accepted Jesus. Yes? should I feel something different, did I really mean it? Did it take? I don’t know all I know is that I’m scraping along the bottom here broken but not completely shattered. Maybe I’m too myopic in my desire right now. I want to feel better but I’m selfish, I don’t just want salvation and healing, I want Lauren to be part of the rest of my life, to be back in my life so we can walk together on this new path.

I finished reading the New Testament tonight which happens to be Good Friday. I must say that I didn’t have any revelation while reading the last book of the Bible. They have the sinners prayer after Revelation in my Bible along with some guidelines as to what to do next. I haven’t felt compelled earlier to say the sinners prayer. I figured I’d wait at least until I finished the New Testament. I wasn’t feeling much of anything other than that strap around my heart from yesterday.

I said the prayer anyway, not that I was expecting fireworks, but I was hoping for something other than a big nothing.

It’s early morning I’ve just gotten out of bed and head downstairs. As I walk toward the front door to turn off the outside light I think I spot some movement out to the corner of my eye. I instinctively call out Trouble? [our cats name] nothing - and I don’t see anymore movement. I peek out the peep hole and see that there is a giant crane and big machinery outside the front of the clubhouse directly across the street from our place. The are putting in a new sidewalk/entryway [this work actually had been done a few weeks ago but without all the heavy machinery]. You can feel the ground vibrating from the the heavy equipment and the early morning air is filled with dew and dust.

As I turn around to walk away from the front door I again perceive movement, now I start to look around more closely as I am more awake at this point. Then I spot a black and white cat the size of a cougar. The cat hops up on a large upholstered chair and I cautiously greet and pet it all the while wondering how did this cat get in the house and who does it belong to. The cat is friendly enough though caution remains the word [while I’m a cat person now I am reserved with strange cats (not to mention 70 lbs cats)]. I try to see if there is a collar as I drag my fingers through the medium fur around it’s neck I discover a few collars, a flea collar and a chain collar that is like a charm bracelet. It is silver metal with many disc shaped pendants hanging off it. Some have symbols or letters. I finally spot one that looks like it has identification but as I try to flip it over the cat moves and thwarts my actions. I now try to restrain the cats head movement as try to locate that particular disc again. The chain collar now have morphed a bit and has multiple strands with multiple pendents on each strand and short hanging strands from each of the multiple loops of chain. the chain hangs down so much in some places it is below halfway down the between the animal’s (I say animal because the “cat” is more dog-like now the shape of a small great Dane) shoulder and elbow. I finally can read the tag it has an address on Georgetown. [one of the streets in my community] As I look up from the tag I see Lauren is in the house. She says
something about the animal, I ask her about it, she doesn’t know how it got inside. I tell her the tag info and she says right away oh that is one of those grandma one-story townhouses on the far side of the complex with one of those banner flags.

She walks out of the room and toward the garage. (the setting is more like my mother’s house than ours but not exactly.) As I follow her around the corner I spot our hide-abed couch sitting there. I simultaneously wonder how she moved that in by herself, why did she bring it back from her apartment and how did I not hear or notice her doing that. I am about to ask her why she brought it back (hoping that she is moving back in) as I turn and face back toward where I had just walked i notice that our dining table is back as well with all the chairs (it’s not actually our table but the glass table my mom has in her kitchen). It flashes to me that the animal obviously came in the house while Lauren had the door open to move all this stuff back in and that the animal was probably scared from all the construction and saw a safe haven. I still was wondering why she was moving these things back to the house as I had no notice of this. I ask her and she says the couch mattress gave out in a poof. I said well why bring it back, she said I’m going to buy a round bed. I didn’t understand how the mattress could be fine ad then just poof and I then spot it rolled and standing on it’s side in the garage. The garage where we were now standing with the animal and two neighborhood children who were petting the animal [they did not seem familiar to me in real life or my dream]. I was thinking out loud to Lauren that she could just buy a new mattress for the couch.

—woke up. [Two other interesting points from the real world: Last night when I arrived home from work, I perceived movement in my living room and instinctively looked for Trouble I even called out. the feeling continued as I walked to the kitchen as I looked around I thought to myself, What did Lauren drop Trouble off for a visit so she could crap on the carpet? Well turns out I really didn’t have a visitor. I’ve had sensations like this before, I’d say more of a habit of expecting something than anything else, but this time the feeling persisted more than just a fleeting notion. Shortly after I went upstairs and saw the library door open, which I keep closed. Inside was one of the side chairs Lauren had taken to her apartment and now had returned unbeknownst to me.]